In 2 days – 55.5 hours, to be precise – I’ll be meeting Kyle at SFO to spend two blissful days together. Since we only see each other in person every few months, there are always a thousand things I want to do with him, but this trip there’s something very special we’ve been wanting to do for awhile – I’m going to take him to a dungeon as my boy, and I will be his Sir.
Kyle and I both switch, and since the beginning, we’ve played around with many different roles. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never served a woman, but “Ma’am” and “Mistress” never commanded the same respect, to my ear, as “Sir.” Somehow they feel diminutive, less powerful, less in control – I’m sure a case could be made that it’s my internalized misogyny, which I know is significant – but, whatever the reason, many months ago I asked Kyle to call me “Sir” instead of “Ma’am” and it was a revelation. Kyle is an amazing lover, and every scenario was fun, but every time I topped him as his Sir, it felt different. Special. There was a clear, beautiful resonance, like strumming a perfectly-tuned guitar string. At first he had trouble using the term – “Ma’am” had been an easy way of sliding sideways into submission, while still holding the upper hand gender-wise. Even tied up, he was still the cowboy and I was still the girl, and that made it safer, easier, less scary. However, once I became Sir, he found himself in the uncomfortable position of giving in completely, of letting me take him without leaving himself an easy escape hatch.
(Now, I feel as if I should explain a few things for those in the audience who are feeling a bit lost. Kyle was born biologically female, but presents himself as masculine – short hair, men’s clothing, packing a store-bought cock in his tighty whities - and considers himself genderqueer. I am biologically female, present myself as female – long hair, unbound breasts, female-but-not-frilly clothing – but, long ago, I lost my faith in gender altogether, and don’t think of myself as either female or male. Together we play with power and gender – sometimes i’m his girl and he’s my Sir, sometimes I’m his wicked uncle and he’s my curious nephew, sometimes she’s My girl, sometimes she’s my butch soccer coach…it all depends on the energy between us on a given day.)
As we began to play more with the idea of his Sir, it was incredible to watch his internal struggle because his female side, Casey, longed to submit, but his male side, Kyle, fought it. Kyle, especially, had difficulty acknowledging the homosexual aspects to submitting to a male persona, which is a gorgeously complex struggle for an outwardly-appearing butch lesbian to have. Slowly we worked together, pushing a little farther every time and then lovingly and carefully talking through the issues that came up.
Sometimes people confuse dominance with bullying – they use whips and floggers to command attention, instead of taking the time to earn respect and trust. To begin with, anyone who wants to dominate another person needs a working understanding of the human psyche, and an intimate knowledge of the other person, but even that much won’t ensure a successful scene. The key to successful power exchange, for me, is a deep respect and love for the person you wish to dominate. For someone to give themselves over to you, they need to trust that you will ultimately take care of them, whatever that means for that particular person. In Kyle’s case, that means that I have to express my respect for him in my words and my actions, I have to show him that I would never leave him, I have to be right there with him, loving him and protecting him from making a fool of himself. Above all, Kyle wants to be acknowledged and admired for his strength and his submission, which is actually quite easy for me, because he is an amazing man. The trick is making sure he knows it with every atom of his being.
So, you might ask, with all the work it takes to top someone…what’s in it for me? Being in control of someone as strong and smart as Kyle is incredible – a sexually-satisfying ego boost that challenges and thrills me with every twist and turn. He keeps me on my feet physically and intellectually, and loves to play as much as I do – it’s like a game of cat and mouse where the mouse wants to be caught, but only if the cat can prove she’s good enough. Kyle’s body is strong and sexy beyond belief, responding to every tickle, every bite, every blow with writhing, panting need. Playing with him doesn’t just feel good – making love to him fills me with desire and awe, and his stunningly beautiful, ecstatic responses make me feel like the God of Sex.
And in two days I’ll get to share him with the world, or at least the people assembled at Edges that night. I can’t wait to show him off, show the world how he shines in the spotlight and introduce him to the cages and crosses assembled there that will add to his torment. It’s gonna be one hell of a good time.
Save a horse – ride a cowboy.
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